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Read e-book online Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea PDF

By Chelsea Handler

ISBN-10: 1416596364

ISBN-13: 9781416596363

THE EAGERLY AWAITED choice of own ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING writer OF MY HORIZONTAL lifestyles

while Chelsea Handler must get a couple of issues off her chest, she appeals to a better energy -- vodka. you'll too if you happen to discovered that your boyfriend was once having an affair with a Peekapoo or in the event you needed to faux to be honeymooning along with your father so that it will improve to first-class. Welcome to Chelsea's international -- a spot the place absurdity reigns preferrred and a short wit is the simplest defensive line.
during this hilarious, deliciously skewed assortment, Chelsea mines her prior for tales approximately her relatives, relationships, and occupation which are immediately singular and ridiculous. no matter if she's convincing her third-grade classification that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter within the sequel to Private Benjamin, finding out to be extra egalitarian via courting a redhead, or searching for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little one who appears to be like similar to her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for buying herself into the main outrageous events. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and impossible to resist turns of word that experience made her one of many hottest voices in comedy this day.

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Extra resources for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Example text

This was a dream come true, and before long Sloane was begging to get in on the action. I would give her clients only if I was overbooked, and insisted she pay me a two-dollar commission per hour. She resisted, of course, but I maintained a level of professionalism through and through. I simply couldn’t cut her a break just because she was my sister. ” I asked Sloane. “You don’t have any other employees,” she reminded me. “Not the point,” I told her. By mid-July, I had seven hundred dollars saved.

She said that sounded reasonable, and we set a time for the next evening. ” Sloane asked as I hung up the phone. “A client,” I told her. ” “You can’t babysit for a fourteen-year-old,” Sloane told me. ” “They don’t know how old I am,” I said, as I polished off my apple and penciled my new client into my Filofax. “Chelsea, you can’t babysit for someone who is two years older than you,” Sloane said. “Girls mature faster than boys,” I reminded her. ” The next night my father dropped me off at Susan’s house.

Don’t be stupid,” he would tell me. ” I wanted my father to know that child abuse was embarrassing your daughter on a regular basis with no clue at all as to the repercussions. ” After a couple of months they upped it from “ugly” to “a dog,” and would bark at me anytime they saw me in the hallway. Our family certainly wasn’t poor, but we lived in a town where trust funds, sleepaway camps, and European vacations were abundant, along with Mercedes, Jaguars, and BMWs—a far cry from my world filled with flat tires, missing windshield wipers, and cars with perpetually lit check engine lights.

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Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler


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